Hey Ladies-

Here’s a useful tip for you, if you are looking to screw someone new: buy some vaginal blood suppositories! That way, you’ll ‘bleed’ when you do it, and he’ll never know! He’ll think you’re a virgin, and…well, isn’t it a gift to convince our men that we’re virgins when we first hook up with them? That they are always the first, that in fact, we are always virgins. Buy a whole bucket load, and never feel like you can’t be a virgin again!

After all, who wants a woman to be honest about herself or her past? We just need to be primed and proper, ready for our first plucking! This shit is on the market:

I had a friend at Uni who was committed to having her hymen re-stitched before her wedding night.

“What about the blood?” I asked. “He’ll know if there’s no blood.”

“Goat’s blood.” She said, stuffing the remains of her baguette into her mouth.

“They sell it in capsules for this kind of thing.”

So clearly, it’s not just women without educational and social privileges that will resort to this kind of thing. Purity is expected of us all. When I was a young woman, my friends— sassy, educated, accomplished women, all without their virginity —were convinced that this was something their future husbands need not know. Better for them to think we’re fresh for them. It will secure their masculinity, they’d say.

When are we going to stop worrying about securing men’s masculinity? When are we going to stop apologizing for ourselves, and stitching ourselves up, and shaving off all of the ‘ugliness’ we dread others will see? When are we going to accept ourselves deeply, and realize that just by being a woman doesn’t mean we have to apologize for shit.